Intercultural Life
Traditional and modern Korean culture.
I don’t wear high heels that often but I’m starting to wear them a little bit more now. When I’m wearing flats he is slightly taller than me. It doesn’t really bother either of us if I am a bit taller than him, especially since he has found a way to solve that problem!
I did suggest that he could wear lifts in his shoes like a lot of Korean guys do, but he couldn’t be bothered.
This is a reoccurring argument for us. When he takes a self portrait he always does the exact same pose and opens his eyes are far as possible. When I point out that he is doing it, he gets all annoyed and indignant. He thinks that I’m saying that his eyes are really small, but really I’m just saying he is trying to change them for the photo. The problem is that Koreans often insult each other by saying things like “You have small eyes!” There is this idea that big eyes are better somehow and so many people have a complex about the size of their eyes or their eyelids (hence the popularity of eye surgeries in Korea, but won’t talk about that right now).
HOWEVER, I love my husband’s eyes. They are beautiful. I think they are a lovely shape, and actually quite wide, and he has the longest eyelashes I’ve ever seen on a Korean guy. I just wish he would realise that his eyes are beautiful and that he doesn’t need to try and change them like that for photos.
I’ve been back at my parent’s house these past few days so this post isn’t really about my husband. My parents have a young Korean couple boarding with them at the moment who I’ve been gradually getting to know better. (Even at home I can’t escape Koreans haha).
We got them to help us decorate the Christmas tree, which was exciting for them.
I did laugh pretty hard at this. He really did just put a clump of red balls on the tree. Because it was so funny, I left it that way, but my mum came and did some rearranging later.
Christmas in Korea doesn’t seem to have the same meaning as it does in places like Australia. My husband told me a lot of people do nothing special and it’s common to just go out and do things with friends. He likes the Western style of Christmas because of the focus on family and traditions (and food!). It’s not really a surprise though, as Christmas has been a big holiday in Western countries a lot longer than in Korea. It’s been fun to introduce the Korean couple staying with my parents to Christmas traditions.
Does your family have any particular Christmas traditions?
Sometimes he doesn’t get my movie references. Also his family lives on a farm in Korea, which was why he was insisting they don’t have a cow. Also I love (the Disney movie) Mulan.
So I bought 2 new books.The Korean Mind by Boyé Lafayette De Mente and Korean Thought and Culture by Chai-Shin Yu. I have a bunch of other books on Korean culture and Korean Thought but I like learning more and seeing how books on it differ. I’ve found reading these types of books helps me immensely as they just make things so much clearer. Learning about Korean culture from the average Korean only gets you so far, as they are not usually able to articulate certain aspects of Korean culture or even realise how something differs to another culture. It is actually quite hard to explain your own culture and it usually takes an either an outsider or someone who has studied extensively to adequately explain well to others. Which is why I really appreciate these types of books. They explain things that my husband can never explain to me. Sometimes things are explained that I was wondering about, but other times it’s something I hadn’t even consciously realised but once it’s explained it gives a much bigger picture of Korean culture. Which of course, benefits our relationship as my husband’s ‘Koreaness’ is a vital part of who he is and it’s not something that can just be separated from him.
Unfortunately there just aren’t enough books on modern Korean culture. South Korea has changed rapidly in the past few decades and I don’t think literature has really caught up properly yet. Even in the past 5 years Korea has changed a lot. I feel like I’m still waiting for a really good comprehensive book on the subject. That’s not to say there are no good books – there are – but I think they could be better. For example, The Korean Mind by Boyé Lafayette De Mente, this author is widely regarded as an expert on Asian culture and has published so many books. But when you open the book there are very obvious spelling mistakes in the Hangul. The idea of the book is to look at many different words in Korean and show how they relate to Korean thinking and culture. But with such big mistakes quite obvious as soon as you open the book, it makes you wonder what else is wrong in it. That is disappointing.
The big question is: Why is did he throw the books on the floor? Because he wanted to have a nap and was lazy and tossed everything off the bed. I think that’s just him and not anything to do with Korean culture.
You know that scene in the drama Iris where TOP snaps the girl’s neck? Okay actually I never properly watched Iris. I just watched the parts that TOP was in….
Speaking of Korean dramas, if you’ve watched enough of them you might have noticed that Korean guys sometimes interact differently with girls than what you may be used to in your own country. Or maybe it’s similar, I don’t know. Not all guys act like that, but yes, sometimes things are like in a Korean drama. For me though, the things like the arm grabs (which I’ve mentioned before) and the sudden and dramatic grabbing and hugging can take some getting used to. I still flinch when I’m grabbed or hugged tightly because it still takes me a second to remember that it’s a passionate sign of affection and not something bad.
(This post is more serious than usual and about a sensitive topic).
Okay this needs some explanation. My husband is from a very rural area and his parents still live there. This woman who also lives there asked my mother-in-law this question because she assumed that because my husband married a foreign woman that he must have paid for me (and sends money to my family every month).
As you can see my mother-in-law was like…. what? She had to explain that her son had met an Australian woman and fell in love and got married and that Australia was not somewhere you buy wives from.
There are two reasons why this woman thought this: the first is that she is pretty ignorant about other countries (not unusual in very rural areas anywhere) and the second reason is because this actually happens in Korea – men paying for foreign wives – so it’s not that unusual. Also this woman had actually organised a wife for her own son!
So why does this happen? There are many factors why and it’s not exactly black and white. Each situation is different. But basically there are some men in Korea who can’t find anyone to marry and there are women in poorer Asian countries looking for a better life. So there are agencies that organise these marriages. In theory this arrangement should benefit both families.
I can understand the reasoning behind it for women from poor areas in other countries. If they stay where they are, they know they will be disadvantaged and poor for the rest of the their life, but if they marry a man from Korea (or Taiwan is the other place they go) they get a chance at a new life, as well as money sent to their family. However, there are obviously many risks.
What sort of Korean men need to pay for a wife? This can really vary, for example the woman in my husband’s home town, her son was only 29 and perhaps he is just socially awkward. We don’t know much except that he’d never had a girlfriend and his parents thought it important for him to marry. There is more pressure in Korea to marry by a certain age and they obviously thought the best solution was to get a foreign bride for him.
However, not every guy is going to just be some nice but socially awkward guy. There are other reasons for why a man may be unable to find a wife in Korea. His character could be questionable, he could be abusive, he wants a wife to do everything for him… these are the type of men that cause problems for the foreign women that come to Korea and there are a lot of sad stories. There are more incidents of violence and abuse in these type of marriages not only in Korea, but for example in cases where men in the U.S.A get a foreign bride from poorer European countries. This is because of the type of man who is going to these agencies for a wife. There is obviously a higher percentage of abusive men, which is why this can be so risky for women.
Some men may just be old, others may just be living in a rural area where younger women don’t want to live anymore. It really varies. Some women find a better life (one such woman has even become a politician I’ve heard), others may find something only slightly better than in their own country, others face discrimination and abuse. Some women will leave the man as soon as they get their Korean citizenship and go to Seoul, never to be seen again. This happened to a cousin of my husband’s actually. Every situation is different.
I know some governments of the countries where these wives come from have warned against these type of marriages because of the risks involved, also the social implications, for example the men left in the poorer areas of these countries with no one to marry. I did watch a documentary about it recently where they are trying to work with the agencies to at least teach the women about Korean life and teaching the language before they go to Korea, to try and make it easier for these women.
I guess among all the sad stories there are also the happier stories. For example the man in my husband’s hometown, he and his foreign wife seem to have a happy life and have recently had a baby. So for her at least, the risks she took were worth it.
Question from Ally:
I’ve had some Korean friends say they’re quite neutral towards tattoos and a few that seem to be put off by the very idea of tattoos so I’m quite curious with how your husband feels about them.
I think the simplest answer is that Korea is still very conservative about tattoos. I remember one reaction my husband had.
I laughed a lot at this because the reaction seemed so strong to me as a Western person living in a country where tattoos are quite normal.
Sometimes I challenge him and ask about one of his good (Korean) friends who has a very large tattoo on his arm and shoulder. My husband says, “That’s different, he’s my friend.” He has some other Korean friends with tattoos too and he doesn’t judge them, also he sometimes admires nice tattoos on cool buff guys, but still his view is quite judgmental of Koreans in general getting tattoos. I think this is quite representative of Korean culture where people are loyal to their friends and family but very judgmental of those outside their circles.
My husband is by no means very conservative either. He married a foreign woman, he has traveled a lot, he hasn’t conformed exactly to Korean society, he has his ear pierced, but even to him tattoos are somewhat undesirable.
So while some Kpop stars have many tattoos that does not mean the average Korean has them or is accepting of them. If they have one it’s likely they’d have to make sure it’s always hidden at work and hidden from parents. Though, the same way views about tattoos in Western society gradually changed, views in Korean society will probably gradually change too. My husband is 30, his view may be different to Koreans who are 20.
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